Living in Minnesota, I am no stranger to passive-aggressive behavior that comes with the “nice” demeanor most natives boast. Choosing to interact this way makes life seem simpler, but the reality is that we’re mostly just sweeping things under the rug. How many times have you been screwed over by someone, and when the individual apologizes, your response is, “that’s okay,” or “no worries.”? Or what about when you need to have a serious conversation about an uncomfortable topic? Is the real issue being discussed, or is being diluted to the point that no progress is made?
Sure, the Midwest is an easy scapegoat for these types of passive-aggressive behaviors, but it happens everywhere. People are people, and no matter where you’re from or what your background is, confronting someone and explaining why you’re ‘not jealous, just hurt’ is extremely difficult.
You are probably beginning by deciding whether or not you should say anything at all. In my opinion, if it’s on your mind and it’s bothering you, or you’re thinking about it multiple times during the day, talk it out. NOTHING is going to get solved by letting it lie. However, if you know you can allow your feelings to pass and the energy spent on having a conversation is not worth it to you, that’s another story. As a guideline, if you’re on the fence, do yourself a favor and speak up.
Once you have resolved to have this conversation, you may feel overwhelmed about where to go next. You feel the urge to “just get it over with” and text him a novel. While you shouldn’t stifle your feelings, it’s essential to be thoughtful and intentional in your approach so you can accomplish what you want to and move on.
How to Have a Difficult Conversation
Collect your thoughts.
If it helps, you can think of this as a presentation at work or school. Before you present, even an impromptu speech, you want to be sure your mind is clear on what your direction is. Determine what’s bothering you or what message you’d like to convey and your desired result. Keep in mind that the chances of things ending exactly how you’d like are near impossible, but you can focus on the things in your control to at least get close.
Start by asking yourself some of these prompt questions as you collect your thoughts to make sure you cover off on the big stuff.
What is bothering me or on my mind?
How do I feel about it? Am I hurt, offended, angry, jealous, sad, disappointed, frustrated…?
What parts of this are in my control, and what parts are in the other party’s control?
Am I blaming or misplacing feelings towards the other party for things that are outside of their control?
What story am I trying to tell in this conversation?
How does this conversation impact our relationship going forward?
What are the possible outcomes? Am I willing to accept whatever it ends up being? Is there a way for me to limit the likelihood of less desirable outcomes?
What could happen if I choose not to speak up?
Have some empathy.
How would YOU want things to go if you were on the receiving end? Putting yourself in their shoes will help guide your messaging and focus in on what you’re really trying to accomplish. For example, say you’re breaking up with someone you’ve been dating for two months. Of course, it’s easier to do it via text and of course it’s easier to use the cop out line, “it’s not you, it’s me.” Wouldn’t both of those deliveries piss you off if you were on the receiving end, though? Instead, take time and show them the respect of articulating why you think it would be best to part ways – “You’re so fun to hang out with, and I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, but like spending my time doing other things that are social and exciting; not watching you play video games.” Honesty with some empathy.
Talk (or write) it out.
I am definitely a proponent of working thoughts out before having a meaningful conversation. Whether you need to write an outline of what you’d like to say, type out the whole exchange, talk to yourself in the car on your way to work, or roleplay with a friend, work-shopping what you’re going to say is a healthy way to process. You can follow the path of what you think the conversation will be like and come across new thoughts or feelings that you maybe hadn’t considered before. Talking things out with a friend can also be a way to get feedback from someone else if you’re open to it. Perhaps his perspective can help refine your plan and conversation direction.
Set a time and place.
Avoid asking the person if you can talk sometime soon and leaving the ball in their court. Take ownership of your feelings and message by setting up a firm time and place to have your discussion. If the topic does come up naturally during a chat, you can, by all means, bring up what you wanted to discuss; there is no time like the present. Just be aware that, depending on the nature of what you’re bringing up, the mood may shift, and the person could get more defensive. Which leads to the next point…
Take it slowly.
Speaking about what’s on your mind, especially when emotions are involved, can be quite uncomfortable. If you are out of practice or don’t necessarily embrace conflict, you may feel the urge to rush through the conversation and cut right to the chase. It will feel “better” but won’t serve you nearly as well in the long run for a few reasons:
The recipient could feel caught off guard and not be able to respond. You are the owner of the conversation, but they have to be along for the ride. Otherwise, it becomes a lecture rather than a dialog.
You aren’t able to communicate as effectively. There are likely multiple reasons you feel the way you do, and those reasons will take some explanation for the other party to understand. Allow your conversation to build in layers as you make each point.
Save yourself from saying things you don’t intend to or don’t mean. It’s good, to be honest with your feelings and thoughts. What’s not helpful is when your words come across as hurtful because your frustration or anxiety got the best of you.
Stand by your words.
Probably one of the most common instincts of having an awkward conversation is to recoil or backpedal. “Oh crap, she's really quiet now that I told her. Is she pissed? Does she hate me? Maybe I’m not that upset what happened.” Your feelings and experiences are valid. If you need to have a conversation to address uncomfortable topics and the other party is not receptive, your words are still your truth. You can take the care to organize your thoughts, try to understand the other persons' point of view, and allow them time to understand, but their reaction (good or bad) should not change your ultimate message. Should your recipient be too angry or unreceptive to have a productive conversation, suggest another time to pick up where you left off once things have cooled off.
Ultimately, this is a learned and practiced ability. Communicating feelings and confronting others comes easily to some, while many have to be more conscious and intentional. The next time you have a conflict or need to share a difficult message with someone, try implementing the practices above. It’s not going to be perfect, especially at the beginning, but these tools will give you a foundation to speak up for yourself and strengthen relationships in your life.
Originally posted at ALittleLessClueless.com.
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